Hello, just a heads up here. Most of the things that I write about is simply making space in my heart again, space for things that have gone missing that I have put aside. But sometimes it comes out raw, pretty much a rant. Well, this is that post! So, you may want to move onto something else to read because I’ve held onto this one for a while, but I can’t anymore.
So, welcome.
To ground zero!
Yes, this is it! You are here, the most feared place in your minds, the place that reality won out. The place of avoidance.
This is literally where “it” all happened. This is where your sister, your friend, your daughter, your niece, your cousin, your neighbor, your aunt, your mentor, your hairdresser, your confidant, the one you couldn’t stand to say goodbye to and the one you couldn’t wait (and can’t wait) to see again… Died.
Right here.
This very place.
Ground zero!
I think some days if Vickie died somewhere else there would be memorials, teddy bears, flowers, things lining the scene.
No
This ground zero is different, it was planned! Gasp!
Yes, this happens, some people want to leave this world from their homes, a place that meant a complete lifetime of love. Not a sterile place of masks, latex gloves, and gowns. Stop and think about that right now. Which would you prefer? Not your family, you! This is one time your true family no matter what will put you first.
You picked your home, didn’t you?
Oh, wait a minute, you didn’t want to make it hard for your family?
You’re not. Its called love and love gives you power, the power to do anything because love comes from God.
Does it say anywhere “love gives you control!?!?” So, if that’s what you are looking for you missed the point of love from the very beginning and at every check stop along the way.
Well as you noticed it’s “Blunt Day!” Am I finished? No.
Yes, its been three years, yep 1095 days and God has been with me everyone of those days, but here is the difference I have been at the center of it for most of those days. I also know covid played a helping hand in the situation but so does living just off Sask Ave. You can literally get a snapshot of my life by going by at 60K, or by circling the house six to eight times a day (yes I noticed) I’m widowed, not deaf dumb and blind. Point is it’s been three years. Deal with it.
"I don’t know what’s wrong with that Neil, He never comes out to see us." If you ask yourself that question, yes this has been written for you.
The group setting, is that for me to ease back into circulation or for yourselves? Giving herd immunity, nothing can be pinned to one person, conversations can flow among many couples, you may not even have to worry about eye contact, at the end of the night you can say “Oh thanks for coming out it was so good to see you.” When my only thought was wow, you actually noticed I was here!
One more question.
If it was me and not Vickie, would you have left her alone? Drove by at 60K and said, “oh yeah, she’s doing ok!” Or would you have been there within four weeks of the funeral, because you were needing a haircut, and hey she’s ready!
Just imagine the roomers that could have been said about her with a constant flow of vehicles coming by the house for haircuts every night of the week! So sorry to have deprived you of that enjoyment.
The array of vehicles parked outside my house bring up some interesting rumors. I love the fact that if you don't know you just fill in the blanks and then it becomes truth. Has anyone noticed minute muffler, they have no parking lot, their entire lot is covered in building? Every customer, employee parks on the street all around my house, but yet everyone can decipher which vehicles have been spending the night with me for a month.
And lastly the excuse of the 21st century.
Worldwide pandemic.
Before you get your panties in a knot, I know these were government rules that had to be enforced and followed, but I know that everyone of you broke the rules, trust me that information transcends every border and I don't care. I would have loved to. But it's when you stood 30 yards away and yelled to me. That's when this began to hurt. Yes, you got together with one another quietly behind closed doors but let's look at this realistically. How many people did your small behind closed doors friends see? 1,5, or 50. Or did they see the four walls of their house? Or am I completely wrong? Because I guess we need to be reminded that everything that happens in the dark eventually finds the light.
So, it’s time to stop. Just stop the bubbles, the masks, the six feet apart, STOP. I took the jab/needle for reasons no one would understand and knowing what I know now, I would still take it again. When everything's being taken away if the jab/needle takes you out in three years it doesn't matter when you get back some of what's been taken away, and it did that for me.
But the jab/needle was their best guess, and it was wrong, so this needs to stop, stop the division, stop flogging the dead horse, stop sticking people where this doesn't work. Stop masking, stop burning your skin with alcohol, stop forcing on others what you believe to be right.
If you believe getting the shot is the right thing to do with every fiber of your being, stop.
If you believe with every fiber of your being it's wrong, and can't believe people lined up for it. Stop.
It's no longer A against B this has become its own entity, it's now the fight where two sides have pitted in and they're going to win.
STOPPPP!
AUGH!!!
Lose something, step into that moment where something is gone, whatever it may be, keys, wallet, that moment of oh man I hate this. Now a time where everything you misplace or lose never comes back; it's just gone. Now it's acquaintances, then friends, then family. Just gone.
Just stop.
Look where you are.
Look at what you have made important in your life.
Look at what is the center of your life. Is it bringing you comfort, happiness, peace? If you have finally managed to stop, whatever side you're on, just breathe. Be still and no that he is God.
What will a lifetime of forcing your opinions on someone else give you? Peace? Think about that. Is your way that important to you? Stop.
Because for some of us life has stopped. In ways unimaginable. An amazing life force stopped. And one by one things get taken away, was it the government?
No.
It was you!
That voice inside that said, “step back you don't need to deal with this right now.” Whose voice do you think that was? Let me tell you he's beating us on every front. Because we get comfortable, and we let him.
Yes, you need to fight about something! It's who's in control of your heart! What good are you if when things get difficult, you're watching Yellowstone!
Are you alive? Or are you already dead.
Step out, step into the muck, step into the loneliness and fight for that heart that's beating in your chest before it stops. Because when it does who do you call on then. Ohhh yeah we both know you're gonna call on the Lord, but you already know the answer to how that's going to play out. It's been formed in your heart for years, you visit it and think, hmm that's fixable, but you don't.
That’s how I know you drive by and you see me and you say “Oh there he is. I see him, oh good, he is good, he is fine.”
Maybe I am, maybe I’m not.
But are you!
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