So

Ill let you in on a question I have fought with for four years.

Why am I here?

It’s a question I like to throw into the playing field when I hit my end, and by my end I mean when I think things have been taken to far.

I throw the "why am I hear" comment on the battlefield to pull some pity my direction.

The question is pretty much a moot point. Four years ago He spoke to me and it was quite plain. What did He say?

“I am not to run away.”

Yep, that seems simple enough. I’m guessing that will answer a few of the opinions about my life, and I know that sounds odd but think about it. In my life I hit the wall a few times.

God led me to a wall that I convinced myself God would not put me in front of, and I walked away. Some people know the big moments in my life and this isn’t about rehashing those roads.

Point is, I made a decision that day, and the decision was I put God in a box! I decided the wall I was facing was not something God would lead me to and stand me in front of. Through all of this I was convinced I was doing right, I talked to my wife first. I told her I left because this is something I must talk to her about first! We agreed! And I proceeded through the next six years of this life, that has brought me to today.

I thought I did what was right.

The decisions I made I fully consulted my wife, I put her first and made the decision going forward “Our decision.”

As I reread this it sounds noble, it sounds right. So where am I going with this. Well, as I said earlier God brought me to that wall and said, “your going to need to trust me here” and I turned and I walked away, I consulted Vickie and with her blessing I walked away.

Away from something that took over my life. Away from an all consuming work life that ate away any form of a family life! I walked away from it all because I had my wife’s support, I checked the boxes, I did my due diligence.

Did anyone notice what else I walked away from?

I’m guessing there’s a few reading that picked up on it.

I walked away from God.

Sounds blunt but its true and I didn’t realize it. I was so bewildered and so shocked by what I was looking at when I looked at that wall. Someone was missing from the conversations because He was in “a box!” God would not put me in that situation. As far as I was concerned that was the evil people of this world and the Devil was winning this round.

It took six years to understand, but yes, God would put me in that situation. He would bring me right up to that wall and say “Are you going to trust me?”

Cancer… Are you Going to trust me?

Operations… Are you going to believe on me?

Funeral… Are you going to lean on me?

Family… Will you let me lead you?

Friends… The path is here will you let me walk it with you?

Business… I see the way, I designed this path for you, trust me, I can use all of this!

Back when I walked away, not once did I look at that wall and say “God this is too big for me I need you to take this, because this is impossible for me. I believe in you and you're the one I trust because you know what is right for me, you designed this, only you can lead me through this.”

No.

He’s not going to handle that for me, because He’s in a box. A box clearly marked God doesn’t do this!

Then cancer came to our house, and I faced it with my amazing loving wife and her God. Because mine was in a box.

We faced operations through the strength of Vickie’s God. Then sever sicknesses, battles for her time, you know what? Vickie’s God came along side me and he walked myself and our children through every inch.

Then Vickie’s God held me when I held her as she died.

Through the misguided attempts for control, the loneliness of the next four years, the friendships that left, and the people that just couldn't understand me, then yeah there was that COVID thing. Vickie’s God was right there He never left me He's never forsaken me. He even grew my faith, but yet I still wondered in the wilderness lost at times totally in the dark bumping into life unable to react. Why? Because this was Vickie’s God He cared for us when we couldn't care for ourselves, when I didn't acknowledge his sovereignty, why? Because my God was in a box! Right where I left Him when I decided to walk away, my God wouldn't do any of those things to someone who He loves.

Not the career.

Not the cancer.

Not death!

Not every relationship I had ever developed.

Yes, He would!

That's why He came to me through Vickie, through the one He loved unconditionally, just as she loved him. For six years God's been working all around the outside of that box and there is endless outside space to cover! I’ve come to realize God will allow trials and tests that will be way out of the scope of my comprehension, because He loves me as He loved Vickie, just she tore her box down along time ago while I was reinforcing the walls of mine!

So I hope that explains why I'm here, why I live in the middle of her life. Like I've said in the beginning, I've tried to turn the situation to my favor. By watching something tank and saying “Hey, you're the one who wants me here!” I can be so smart, turn to people and say “why he has me here, I don't know.” like he can't hear what I'm saying. I still think I need to show my poor me facade. Yeah, I have a pretty good understanding of why I'm here. Simply put “Life Experience.”

Use what I've been through to talk to people, am I the first man to lose a wife? Nooo! But I am the first man to lose Vickie Altrogge. And everything I'm left with silently screams to me run away, far away, and don't look back!

But I’m not running away.

Once my brain and mind stop reacting saying how bad can this get? My heart opens up and says “we’ve got this,” this is a test, it's a trial that has been designed for me, yes it's too hard for me but it's being designed to stretch me, to stretch my faith just enough to lean on Him, because that's where the impossible becomes possible.

Will it get harder? Yes, it will.

In all reality do you think you have been so wonderful, so righteous that you are living a life of comfort that God designed for you because you are his perfect servant? And he decided to give you your reward on this side of heaven? Let me give you one simple Bible quote to think about.

Then the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? No one else on earth is like him, a man of perfect integrity, who fears God and turns away from evil. He still retains his integrity, even though you incited me against him, to destroy him for no good reason.” Job 2:3 CSB

If you look at your life and see money, comfort and ease, it's time to ask yourself and God why He gave you those gifts, ask him how you can use these gifts for Him, and yes they are gifts we all need to remember that, because to the person who's just lost everything, we never think of that as a gift but it's probably one of the best gifts we can receive if we as Job can turn from our loss and glorify God.

Do I expect things to get better?

Well to some extent yes I hope so, but honestly, I will say no.

You see I have a picture of my life, I’ve always had one and as things change I subconsciously change my trajectory to arrive at that spot, that moment in time. Because this is the picture that has been embedded in my mind since I was a child, of what my life would look like.

Yet this path keeps changing. That’s the part I put on the world and my thoughts of how things don’t seem to be working out for me. Over my years I thought I was so sovereign that I ruled over and changed all aspects of my life. Little heads up, no we don't, now don't get me wrong there is an end goal and end image of what your life is going to be and as we make the changes to arrive at that point God adjusts His plan to keep moving forward to the goal he has planned no matter which way we turn. He will use many lives to correct your path. That corrective measure can also be the readjust for other lives not just yours.

That's why this stroll in the wilderness hasn't done me in. Because He knows what I can handle and what I need to arrive at His plan for my life. Piece by piece the puzzle comes together when I let Him control the pieces. He's had to watch me pound incorrect shapes into that puzzle picture with my fist because I could see a slight piece of a picture I liked, that I felt I needed in my life now! Until I finally stepped back and let him direct the pieces of this puzzle.

That means waiting.

That also means quietness, patience, trust, solitude, loneliness. I know these are for a season. I just cant decipher if this season has been directed by Him or by choices I keep making so I extend this season. But my heart is changing in this wilderness and hopefully my mind is changing along with it.

I’m guessing most of you that have been watching this walk, are totally baffled as I was and some days still am. As I trust there is a bigger picture that I will not comprehend this side of heaven, a smile comes across my face when I’m reminded of the trials He walked me through and that keeps me smiling knowing the troubles that could be ahead. I know that in those moments, great sorrow and grief may consume me, but through my past so has his amazing joy. Its always been on time I may have figured it was a little late but that’s where He stretches me. All I have to do is produce a little faith, the size of a mustard seed. Then Just watch what he will do!

I thought I was done , I was sure this blog was all coming together for the finish then something got put on my heart. I’m sorry but you will have to bear with me a little longer because this is important. The topic was set in front of me a few weeks ago.

Faith, and this was the question.

What have you done with your faith?

I know I’m going to be asked about the resources, the talents God put into my possession. But “what have I done with my faith?” I had no answer, for a simple question I couldn’t really understand it. After a time of thought and a little coaching I formed my answer. “Well, I put my faith in Jesus, I believe that he died for me by taking on the punishment for my sins that I will be pardoned because he changed places with me. He took on the wrath reserved for me and gave me the blessings the Father had reserved for Him.

A well thought out Sunday school answer.

The rebuttal: That’s awesome, what have you done with it since?

“Because of your little faith,” He told them. For truly I tell you, If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will tell this mountain ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Mathew 17:20-21

What “mountains” have you moved? Ok Ill dial that back a bit. What mole hills have you moved? Ok a little more. What have we done with our faith?

Well I moved my mountain. I used it to secure my future and I set it on my dresser and use it to speak when I need to witness to someone who is lost and needs saving faith.

Yes awesome, Neil you clearly have saving faith, mustard seed or the size of a truck not sure. What else have you believed in the Lord so strongly, that you consistently prayed about, that you aligned yourself with our Lords thinking that you were able to see the changes He brought to fruition. Because this was something He put on your heart, and it gave you a drive and desire for life that seemed almost unexplainable. It raised you up challenging you to charge harder, to run farther, to write longer, to squeeze every ounce of yourself into His will. Convincing you that there is nothing you cant do, when it aligns with His will, His purpose.

Well when you put it that way yea, I uh umm I uh……… I have saving faith.

Ok I wanted that to come off with a little extra punch. So lets look at this realistically.

Neil

What have you used your faith for?

I used it to prop me up when Vickie said,” I found a lump.” And when I kissed her goodbye.

I used it when I asked God, “They tell me I have to say thank you at the funeral, and they will write what they want me to say.” Then you gave me the words and you held me up so I could stand.

I used it when I said, “I have to lead my family, and I have no idea how to and I don’t know what I’m doing.” And He set out the path and He walked me down it. Its been bumpy but its His path.

I used it when He put words on my heart, and I started to write. What? I don’t write I can’t even spell. But He does! Actually, He wrote thee best seller… of all time!!! And I’m still rereading it because I can’t put it down.

I used it when I said “I can’t do this! I told you I could, but I cant. I don’t want to be here anymore. This all hurts and I want to come home!

(I know didn’t look like I used any faith on this one)

And He volunteered me at church with kids and he found areas of my heart I didn’t know even existed. To which my reply was “Ohhh, Wow, that’s cool!

This last one was the mustard seed sized faith because as I told Him I couldn’t, I knew in my heart I could, it was tiny, but it was there because long ago he told me I could do this, on his strength. And those memories never go away, no matter how much grief comes at you.

My faith still isn’t something I can grasp using to its full extent. Yet something in me reminds me. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. And the impossible suddenly starts to become possible.

So

It took a couple years to tune in. I had heard that phrase before, “Don’t put God in a box!” It took a bit of that solitude and some sin; I find the Spirit used that sin to convict me, open my eyes and point out what I had been missing all along. God can never be in a box but my heart was trying to hold Him there. He loves me enough to take me farther, deeper into situations that scare me into realizing there is nothing off limits. He will go anywhere for and with me, to help me understand what a perfect love may have to face, and go through, when its His will.

Today I’m doing my best to tare down the last of the walls of my poorly constructed box, obviously it never held anything except for my misconceptions.

But the faith part. You can see from my list I tended to use it when I had nothing left, more as a last resort, not as my first form of defense or attack. Faith is something I lean to when the options run out. Sort of making God my genie in a bottle. Now this is going to be a new venture for me teaching myself to turn in faith to God first, before I react.

I think I just heard His Spirt say “Hallelujah” and smack his forehead. Yeah six years of whining and complaining to get to here, I so wish I could learn faster but it wouldn’t all stick. He takes me slow and steady so the lessons don’t go lost, all the time treating me with an enormous amount of grace. I envy the communion Vickie and Jesus are experiencing right now! I cant wait to partake! Love you both.

Neil