Because He Asked

I sit here tonight wondering what to say. I spent most of the weekend talking to God and I know I have to let something out of my heart.

Most people when they say “My heart is full” it’s for another reason. My reason is, it just can’t carry any more.

Life is heavy and this is going to get messy. I was hurting so dam bad today. So, what did I do? What changed my day?

I loved today!

Not the kind that gives your heart joy. It was the kind I was commanded to do.

I loved the difficult. The one where it tares my soul because it just went the same way… resentment, disgruntled anger, division, out numbered. But love does soften all that, love levels the playing field. Did I wear them down, only God knows but I did it, because today’s events lead me to this point. A funeral, singing in church, and a bible study about one amazing woman. That’s where God spoke.

If you’re waiting for an audible voice just know, He doesn’t work that way and if he does its because you went through a lot of signs and now, he is stopping your entire world to talk directly to you, I would be afraid, very afraid!

Four years ago, when he asked, I knew it. I guess I was more in tune then I am now. My boldness was more prominent. Words came when I was directed, and I wrote. I wrote a lot.

Why, because he asked!

So, what’s changed? Simple, it’s me!

I stopped listening, I stopped looking, I went through the motions, and everything started backing up. When you hit this point where do you hold it? Now as I type this, I realize this may be a big reason why my body aches something fierce, I got stuff falling apart and not healing for what is looking like a really long time now. Great, more signs that are becoming painfully clear. When I finally stop and Be Still.

I must interject here how much it sucks when you don’t follow your own advise or in my case preaching!

Lately Gods signs have been clear, it’s been time to lighten the load. I’ve known it and man have I feared it. Because I see what’s in this heart of mine. How do I talk about the stuff inside of me the things that have been controlling me. The things I put aside and then ask God to deal with the people who deal harshly (In my mind) with me. Because I’m deflecting from what I see in myself. Well the answer, It cant be inside any longer.

Some of you know me and are starting to think hmm is this where he dumps all the juicy crap that’s in his closet? No not really, everything I’ve done God has had me start slowly. For instance, and I hate this one. When dealing with frustrating, angry people my favorite comment in my mind to them was “you need to paste a smile on your face and get over yourself!” Well, I have been pasting that preverbal smile on my face and all it does is push all the crap further down inside.

Example

I got to sing with a team at church a few weeks ago. Before we rehearse they ask if anyone could use prayer, most of the time I stifle myself, because nobody wants to hear the endless list of concerns, worries, fears, failures and stumbling blocks or literally this, what is coming out of my heart. Ill just paste my little smile on and get this done because I can ride the feelgood wave of singing for the better part of a week and somewhere in there, God will find something that will recharge my batteries.

In the past I’ve had people tell me they like my singing but I’ve heard myself on the replay so obviously beauty is also in the ear of the beholder. But here is the best part, at the end of the service a lady comes up to me, she tells me “Neil I just have to tell you, you are such an inspiration!!!

Wait what!!!

She goes on to say, “after everything you have been through to see you up there with that smile an singing like you do.”

Ohhhhh boy. I was so not prepared for that!

And what incredible return did I have for her?

“Thankyou.”

When faced with the moment did I say, “Sorry but I’m dying inside!”, Actually I feel as though I’m pretty much rotten to the core, because I’ve put a smile on my face for so long I have apparently fooled all the people all the time!

When what I needed to say is I actually smile for the Lord, singing warms this cold squandered heart.

It’s the release he gives me from my weeks of holding things in, convincing everyone I’m fine. Hiding the way things actually are.

Broken heart.

Broken pieces.

Broken life.

So in typical Neil fashion once again I kind of got off the beaten path.

The point was that day, after those amazing words, I headed out into the world and I tried to love.

We all have that person in our life. The one who expects control. I do believe they have been pursuing control for so long they don’t realize what they do, or who they do it to anymore. Ok as I typed that I could hear a slight similarity in the back of my brain/heart. Father forgive them for they no not what they are doing. Luke 23:34 (my version)

And that was where I needed to love! Drawing a line in the sand hasn’t worked, fighting back hasn’t worked, walking away hasn’t worked, it just waits for your return. So I loved. Letting it tare my soul. Feeling the same outcome as I did with every other controller in my life, during every other confrontation.

But when Jesus asked his Father to forgive them, he was hanging on a cross. I may think and act at times as though this is my cross, but it isn’t. It becomes my cross when I let it control my life. (There’s that pursuit of control) Even at that, He carries it, I just put on the act that I do.

Just Love.

Also I feel like I left you worrying when I said “broken heart, broken pieces, broken life.”

Are they? Yes, actually they are.

Well, you have to be realistic, if you think your going to watch the one you love diminish to the point where you stop praying for healing and just start begging Him to take her. Your heart, home, relationships, your whole life will feel broken.

But.

That’s where He works!

There are a few people who have watched what He has been doing with me. Funny part is most of them saw what He was doing long before I did. Oh man, I just started laughing at that. Literally I had been standing on stage in front of my church, easily a hundred people, singing. Yep, you read that right, singing! And I kept asking/begging “God When will you make a change in my life.”

Ok I saw the small things, but I could look right past those, because I wanted change, not the small I wanted the complete, the unmistakable, I wasn’t on for His timeline. But that timeline is what has been healing me a little at a time, in its own perfect way. The people in my life saw the changes as big. You stack enough small change in a pile, then suddenly that pile is a mountain of change and you didn’t notice a step. But that’s ok, there’s something humbling about a good friend pointing out what you have been missing.

I’ve asked myself how much lower can I possibly go and how much further he’s going to take me. Because I can focus on the negative.

God doesn’t build on rubble he makes sure you foundation is clear, firmly established on bedrock. Himself! Once again, He will clean away all that hinders’ anything I’m willing to put before him. So when I look at where I am and wonder why I still feel like I’m in the same place. I have to ask, "What I am hanging onto, what is first in my life?"

There is where He speaks.

There is where I have the courage to change my life.

Because He Asked.