The thought that rattles around my brain every time it gets quiet and that happens a lot is this.
“Trust God”
Simple phrase, but the question is, can I do it? If I can, for how long?
You have no idea how many times “Trust God” has gone through my brain since I started wearing the scarlet letter “W”.
I am to trust and move forward. But I for some intensely compelling reason need to question.
Why was I picked for this route in life?
Well, I know God has a plan for me. Actually, that was most likely step number one on the “Trust God” path, comprehending that yes God is in charge and he may have something going on a little bigger then I may have thought of.
Question is do we (by we of course I mean “I”) buy in and work with him in that plan or do we fight it and go our own way no matter how many times He brings His plan towards us? He does keep presenting the opportunities. Look back on your life, you will see things that you turned away from that came around again. Now I’ve been a novice for quite some time, and I don’t know much but I would lien to say that was Gods plan, and He’s waiting for you to embrace it.
Since I’ve embarked down avenue W this thought process has come to mind a few times but I haven’t embraced the conversation until tonight. It Goes like this.
I feel like I’m pretty young for this.
I know there are many who were younger than me, and yet the word “test” keeps coming to mind.
So, I mentioned this plan of Gods, it will involve tests to see if we embrace the path forward. I am young and I can’t help thinking that the test is how I play this forward.
Do I hide and avoid the outside world?
Or.
Do I embrace my scarlet W and move forward?
Is my test to live a life that people notice, stop, think? A life that shows others how to embrace their scarlet W?
Because like it or not 50% of us who are married and in love, your going to get to wear this big W. The other 50% simply get to go first. Some will go at the same time due to accidents and Gods will.
What I’ve been questioning of myself is, am I doing what God is expecting / wanting of me?
I would like to say yes, because I feel He knows every move I will make.
Deep down, I feel I need to answer no.
Honestly, 2019 I avoided people. I walked in the late evenings alone because you don’t run into many people at night and if you do its dark enough that you don’t see the red blotches on their faces as they realize who you are, when the pity and sadness starts to bubble out uncontrollably through their skin and eyes. Let alone the darting eyeballs that have no idea where to go, and would love to just hide under their eyelids until your gone. But 2019 was what it was, a lot of stumbling, tripping some falling, actually that was the third day of 2020, yea that was an interesting day. But all in all 2020 was the year to come out of this self induced cocoon. Dig that scarlet W out of the trash wear it proudly and embrace people again at least pick up where the old Neil would have been years ago. Get out, see people, talk to them, acquaintances, friends, whoever. It would take some chiseling to get through this shell I’m in but its doable, right?
Well not exactly. Not when the world is repulsed by the very sight of you, because you may be the carrier of the plague of the 21st century. Who will wipe out all life as we know it.
OK, ok I added a little more drama there then actually was going on. I think!
Being told to stay at home and avoid people could not have happened at a worse time, and I stumbled again.
I reverted inwards and became so staunch in my poor me belief that I started to wonder who would be the first to contact me without being prodded to do so. That was a horrible experiment. With that thought running laps around the inside of my head this scarlet W began driving me into the ground.
The weight became uncontrollable. The redness incredibly blinding.
My report card on my first two years of widowhood?
Absolute fail! Oh no question horrible epic fail.
If God is asking me to show others how to honour Him with my situation because there is a good chance there going to have to do this, setting up a lottery inside my head to see who will contract the hermit first would have to be an all time low!
Just so you know, the winner was a childhood friend who lost his dad when we were both seventeen I think, he also lost his sister-in -law to cancer a couple years back. And here’s the best thing, he knew every dam thing I was going through. God sent me my childhood best friend to get me back on track. To embrace this road I’m on and see if I can find His will somewhere just around the bend, I may miss it, but I’m a lot closer then I was a few Isolation months ago.
Well, this W just lost a couple thousand pounds. I think it traded its scarlet red in on a new black outfit, because it seems rather slimming, it certainly isn’t as detestable as I remember it.
I’m heading back down that road God has me on. The on-ramp I just took was rather clearly marked. Don’t know how I was missing all these signs before. But I now understand I need to keep looking up, keep my eyes on Him. And the signs are quite bright and blazing. Turns are clearly marked without question.
Yet I still have some questions, so I pull over and talk with Him for a while. Because that’s me, He’s been expecting these questions. We talk about my W and the one I wear it for, and the pride it gives me beyond measure. I’ve tried to figure out how to “Give” things to God in the past, and I know I do it wrong… but this was when I realized I literally gave it to Him. Vickie (literally) and all the weight of that W, He has been carrying. I acted like I was carrying it and boy did that act play me out!
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