I told you I could do this!

I read it in a book, my daughter voiced it at my wife Vickie's funeral and for some reason I think I heard Vickie, say this to… I don’t know why this has become such a strong belief on my part.

I think it gives me the comforting picture \ thought of a complete overwhelmingly loving God.

The way the situation reads out is that you and God get together and pick the days of your life before you come.

Yes, you and God!

You with him in his enveloping world of love, truth and light. You totally see the end game and you have no question, No Fear that you can walk through the situations before you.

That's when I told him I could do this. Surrounded by his Immaculate love. That love still surrounds me. In fact, it comes from within me pumping out of my heart.

The issue, I live in a broken world where it is so easy to look away from that love. I question him on everything to a point of blaming my situation on him. I know deep down in my dark black heart I blamed him over Vickie's death and cancer diagnosis. I struggled through those days but it was when I realized I sat down with God as Vickie did, knowing she would face this chapter of her life with an unbelievable amount of grace and dignity and I would face it with her because it was God's will, God's plan, we both said we can do this.

Todays amazing realization. It wasn't just that day that we discussed, it was every day!

The day we had Lexie, the day we had Logan, the day before her death, and the day after her death.

The days we fought.

The days I fought with the children.

And the days they left home.

The day you warmed my heart and the day it turned cold.

That was today's punch to the gut. When I was calling out to you, saying "I know you had to clean my heart, but this hurts so much and it's not going away." That was the moment in which my next words were going to be…

“How could you do this to me!”

When I realized it wasn't just the day of the funeral.

It was the days of the fights, the leaving home, the intense goodbyes. After planning all these moments I looked at this with you turned to you and said once again “I can do this!”

So with that nugget stashed away in my heart I will walk through the pain, I will face the days, because you showed me heaven when you showed me your plan, when I said “Send me! I can do this!”